Belltown Messenger - Documenting Belltown Since 2003

On the occasion of my 40th birthday I have quit smoking pot, after doing so every twenty minutes or so since 1985. Non-stoners may not realize it, but when you quit the evil weed it makes you irritable and caustic-the perfect state of mind to rant about Seattle rock band Pearl Jam and their shallow, predictable hypocrisy when it comes to donating to charity.

For those under the age of 40 who might not know who the hell I am talking about, Pearl Jam is a talentless grunge-cock-rock band that has been going downhill since their completely undeserved rise to fame during the Seattle music explosion of the early '90s, when they rode the coattails of their superior counterparts Nirvana and Soundgarden to multiplatinum success. Since those ancient times, Pearl Jam, with the help of legendary rock manager Kelly Curtis and superslick PR firm Pyramid Communications (whose owner is a crony of sleazy weasel Bill Clinton), has managed to stay together and milk their shtick on a progressively smaller scale ever since. Their sales and relevance have been declining for a decade, but that hasn't clogged their distorted sense of self-importance.

You know what bothers me more than greedy, lying Republicans? Self-righteous, politically correct leftists who exploit their political correctness for profit. Since 1993, Pearl Jam and its corporate affiliates have paid a king's ransom to Seattle PR firm Pyramid communications to help them create one cornball stunt after another, culminating with their current, insanely righteous "Carbon Portfolio Strategy." According to obscenely well-paid spokesjerks for the band, this charitable stunt is designed to offset emissions (carbonic, not musical) the band creates while touring in a fleet of gas-guzzling busses. Here's an idea-why not cancel the tour?

While it is true that most rock stars have the political consciousness of a cabbage (Tommy Lee comes to mind, as do 99 percent of Seattle bands from the '80s and '90s), I think it just might be a wee bit worse to try and hawk some anti-carbon nonsense in an effort to stay relevant. If Pearl Jam is so concerned about the extra impact its magnificent tour is having on mother earth, perhaps its members should ditch their fleet of luxury cars, mega-houses, South African ski trips and other excesses that normal people like us will never be able to inflict on our doomed planet.

-AM