Mike Seely's feature in the March 24, 2009 Seattle Weekly proves that he knows nothing of Seattle's dive bars and qualifies for the worst Weekly story ever, beating out Mark Worth's "Who Really Runs Seattle" and even anything Mike Romano ever wrote.

Seely claims that most folks with dogs in Belltown are afraid of the dog park "most of the folks who should be giving Scruffy a few hot laps are still scared shitless of the corner" across from Kelly's on Third and Bell. This blanket statement is not true and it doesn't help the ailing Seattle Weekly's newest advertiser: Gambas Restaurant next door to Kelly's. (Disclosure: Gambas is a friend of mine.)

Kelly's may be Belltown's last remaining dive bar, but it's far from"the most frightening drinking establishment in Seattle." To the contrary, people of different races and ages mingle freely and play pool there. It's a center of petty crime, but no more than the drug scene at a typical "rock show." Incredible that this dive bar trash of Seely's is going to be a 160 page book!

Seely's description of Joe's bar in the International district is offensive in a quaint racist sort of way. First, he describes the International District as "Chinatown." (!) He mentions that there's a white guy in there - that must have made him feel comfortable. Seely is apparently a man who is able to keenly hone in on certain smells of other men, like "unwashed ass and armpit sweat." According to Seely the multi-racial, non-ageist Joe's is a place where if "you aren't homeless, you aren't cool." This appalling attempt at humor from someone who clearly doesn't fit in at a dive bar unless he's at a "rock show" is strange. We're in times of economic crisis - not the proper moment for mocking the homeless because they don't dress like you. Might explain why the Seattle Weekly is half the size it was two years ago.

I just get this weird feeling Seely dislikes being in bars like Joe's where there are African Americans and Colombians and old folks. Too diverse of a mix. He might be old one day but I guess he'll always be white. (Editors note: is he white? This guy, and the Weekly, have been off my radar for a while. Update - yeah, he's a white guy. Hipster. Designer rectangle eyeglass frames.)

I held my bachelor party at Joe's on a Sunday afternoon. The Colombian drug dealers were not very friendly, nor were the pleasant mix of old guys. A couple scary characters in there and a couple tourists too. The amazing thing was that Tiger Woods was on TV and folks of all races seemed excited about it. The Colombians were excited about it. Tiger represented something - something anti-Seely. A nice pre-Obama Era moment.

Note: I shortened the headline after publication to make it fit better as the lead story on the main page.

A Tour of Seattle’s 10 Most Intimidating Dive Bars
Notes from a guy who literally wrote the book on the subject.
By Mike Seely
Published on March 24, 2009 at 8:22pm